Catch and Redact

also on Ao3

Kurt Crueller is lost.

This is not new.

Kurt has spent most of nir life lost. When they were a kid, their parent could never keep track of them. Said parent had a lot on his plate, being a single parent of a half-demon without being a demon himself (in addition to his duties to the desert town they lived in), and any sitter he asked usually couldn't keep track of little Kurt either. But she always found her way home eventually. Maybe nir mother would be better at keeping track of nir, but nir ren didn't know where she was.

When Kurt grew up, they moved to water. The desert just wasn't for nir. His parent was sad to see him go, but understood why he left. He wished them well and watched them go.

The wrong way.

"Kurt," he called out.

"Yea?"

"The bus stop is that way."

Kurt paused, then turned back around and walked the correct direction. "Right. Thanks, ren. Love you."

"Love you too. Stay safe."

They tried, but didn't quite meet the mark. What even is "safe," in the long run?

◉

Kurt stumbled upon the Magic after being lost in Yellowstone for twenty-some years, completely by chance. Nie didn't know what was going on, had never heard of the game, but when nie got handed a bat - not a Bat, mind - the rules were etched into nir very soul. At the end of the game, tears in their eyes, the rest of the team welcomed them. She was a replacement, brought in in the middle of the game, for an old friend. Sutton Picklestein. They had met, a few times, while Kurt was wandering the park. He seemed nice, and Kurt was sorry for their loss.

At the end of the season, a bit after the election, Kurt got a letter from the hall. Well, everyone on the Magic got letters, but Kurt got just the one. From Sutton himself. Apparently, they had come back from the dead just long enough to say goodbye to their brother and send some long-overdue mail. The letter was kind - Sutton remembered Kurt from their encounters in the years before. They gave advice, mostly rehashings of the usual guidelines, but also something new. A way to tell directions using a clock and the sun.

Other than that, it was a relatively quiet election.

The next season, according to the rest of the team, was fairly normal. About halfway through, the team hung out after the last game of a series with the Mints, in the Meadow.

"That was a goo gam-," said Oz gruffly. It would say that, it hit a grand slam in the top of the ninth. It was still a bit scattered from its last trip to Elsewhere, but seemed to be recovering.

A mint laughed at that, also slightly scattered. "It --s! Well played, all of y-u. A deserved victory."

Kurt was sitting with Bevan and Washer, and a couple Mints, just talking. It was pleasant, getting to know people from another team.

"So, Kurt," said a Mint. Hewitt, she thought.

"Yea?"

"Kurt Crueller?"

"Yea."

Someone else perked up. The bug. "What! Are you related to Gallup‽"

"Who? Oh, Steaks right?" Kurt shrugged. "Maybe."

"Maybe?" Potentially-Hewitt asked.

"I mean, she's a demon, right? And I'm half demon, but my ren isn't. I never knew my mom."

Maybe-Hewitt considered that for a moment. "Huh."

"Point's still moot even if they meet, eh Hewitt? Gallup got alternated before Kurt even came into play," Bevan said.

Confirmed-Hewitt nodded, then hummed for a second. "If you're half demon, what's the other half?"

Kurt gave a terrible grin with their black, beak-like teeth. "What do you think? Really, give me your best guess."

Hewitt looked from nir face to nir limbs. "...Bird?"

Kurt laughed. "Sort of? I'm half water spirit, and my ren is shaped like a loon, so I also look sort of like a loon."

"Oh! That makes sense. Do you have any abilities, if you're just half?"

Bevan laughed. Washer burbled. Kurt grimaced.

"You know how some seabirds have an internal compass? And spirits generally have a good sense of where to go?" Bevan asked, laugh in his voice.

"I do now," said Hewitt. The bug nodded rapidly.

Kurt groaned. He knew where this was going.

Bevan smiled, not unkindly, and pat Kurt on the back. "Our dear Kurt is the opposite."

"I'm not that bad, Bev," Kurt said into her hands

"Only because the Game wants you to stay close."

"I'd be fine without the Game."

"Oh, I'm certain, dear," Bevan said, "But would you get where you wanted to go?"

"I would get where I'm going," nie huffed.

Not quite the same , Washer rumbled. Gey seemed amused. Kurt grumbled back at ser.

Curry flew over from their spot on Oscar's head at that point. She wasn't pitching this game, but liked to watch anyway. Even before they got... cursed, in that first reading. "You lot playing nice?" She looked sour, a bit more than usual.

Kurt waved them off. "Ahh, they're just teasing. All in good fun, Curry."

Curry settled on Kurt's head. "Glad you recognize the humor in wandering Yellowstone for two an' a half decades, Kurt." It didn't sound like she found it very funny.

"What!" said the bug, which seemed to be typical, but also said Hewitt, which was probably less typical. Hewitt continued, "Two and a half decades? What happened?"

Kurt laughed. "I got lost."

⥈

The election was terrible and great all at once.

Of import, The necromancies. Plural. Oscar had mentioned hearing some Fans chattering about the possibility, and with Sutton last season, they should have realized. But Sutton left almost as soon as he came, dragging another Returned player with him. These new necromancies... didn't.

York Silk was incinerated earlier in the season. Kurt had been there, it was awful. Beloved by his former teams and by the league at large, he remained on the Idol board even afterward. Fans had been dreading the inevitability since his death. And it was inevitable. He ended up in Baltimore.

Chorby Soul was incinerated in season three . They had been dragged up the board by a side of the Fans who just wanted to see what would happen. The enormous changes to the league since their day aside, they weren't even revived to their former team. They ended up in Seattle.

Both in the Mild league. With the Magic. A worrying thought, given the Debt the Returned carried.

Closer to home, the Fans Willed Washer to swap with Glover to recover from ser consumer injuries, and the Magic win two Blessings. Kurt was one of the "lucky three" on the Magic to receive the Blessing of Precognition. You might think that gaining magical foresight would help with navigation. Not really! Nie could see where nie would end up, but that would still not be where nie was trying to go.

Of course, after a certain point none of the three could see much of anything.

They didn't mention it to the others. Maybe they should have, but it probably wouldn't have helped.

Observation hurt. To have that many eyes on you aches. Nobody on the team said anything, but then again, nobody had to. Everyone knew already. The Fans fretted, which didn't help. Not like they could help anyway, being as extraplanar as they were. Glover and Chorby were both gone. Kurt was tired. The Lateseason had barely started. She could barely see five seconds in front of her. But they had a thought. The new renovations - Secret Bases. Would the eyes reach nir, in there?

He took a chance.

And, well. The eyes couldn't see them anymore.

Nobody could.

Kurt emerged, a few moments or hours or eternities later, miles away, in the Choux. Just briefly. Stole 3rd on a ground out, but the inning ended before they got to Home. He just wanted to go Home.

Instead, they returned to the Base.

They wandered. It felt like hours and it felt like years. Kurt found patches of immateria, sustained nirself on salmon and what little else nie fished up. Lucky that they knew how to fish. Unlucky this is the first time in weeks nie's had time to. Oz had talked to him about Elsewhere, a few times. They had mentioned that it was a place that was toxic in how welcoming it was. It pulled you in and made you something like a blank slate. There was no way to control when you came or went; it was all on the whims of the rushing immateria.

This felt... similar, but different. It was souldrainingly grey, but it felt safe. There were no eyes, no expectations. Or it only felt that way. If there was one thing nie learned from nir time lost in Yellowstone, it was that there's always someone watching, even if it's just a bird.

He hoped it was just a bird.

Eventually, she found her way out of that greyish space again. This time, at the Firehouse. A siren whooped, and a metallic voice called out "MAXIMUM BLASEBALL" before a distracted Crab batter struck out, ending the inning. Kurt went back to the Base. But now that they weren't in Yellowstone or Charleston, those unusual places, the base had a hold on their location. Nie could go out, see the sights instead of the grey. They couldn't Leave, of course, the Base wouldn't let them, but they could... go out. For a while, at least. To Chicago.

For a water spirit, even a half one, there is no more conflicting place to be than Chicago. Water, powerful water is everywhere. The river runs backwards, gated into obedience. Even without the interference of the Assembly, the Chicago river is connected to both the Great Lake Michigan and the Father of Waters. And the Lake herself is terrifying. People often say that the Great Lakes don't have any monsters - but only because the Lakes are monsters themselves.

They're right. The Lake spirits of the Great Lakes are old, huge, and just plain mean.

But the Lakes aren't the only spirits about.

Weeks after nie went out of the Base, Kurt was sitting as far away from the Lake as the Base would let nir when Chicago sat next to nir.

"You don't feel the Call," She said.

"I don't feel much of anything," said Kurt, "I just want to go Home."

"And where is that?"

Kurt sighed. "I don't know. Not Chicago, at least not yet. Not ever, if I have a say in the matter."

Chicago looked at her, their eyes hidden behind their mask. "There's not always a choice," they said sadly.

"Don't I know it," Kurt huffed.

"I can talk to the Lake, if you'd like to explore more," said Chicago.

"Thank you, but I'll be fine," Kurt said. "I have a feeling I'll be leaving soon, anyway."

"May your waters run clean and cold, then."

Kurt nodded. "As to you. We'll meet again."

"And Kurt?"

"Yea?"

"Don't get lost."

Kurt gave Chicago a small smile, but a real one. "You know I will."

Chicago got to her feet, laughing slightly. She pulled Kurt to his feet, too, and they went their separate ways.

Kurt left Chicago a few days later, right after game 105. A quiet inning, made quieter by nir appearance. There was a frog on first. They had played with a frog, once, hadn't they? They had something in common, the two of them. Multiple things? They remembered the frog, her... being cheerful, even though things weren't going their way.

They remembered... her being gone, and being terrified for her.

An out. The inning became an outing. Kurt returns to the Base, and goes as deep within it as nie can.

She's worried, now. He's definitely forgetting things, he just can't tell what. They remember their home town, and their ren, but not their mother. Is that real? Should nie remember nir mother? They remember Yellowstone, but not the team, not clearly. Only Oz is clear, for whatever reason. She remembers talking to birds, but... that's not her memory, is it? They've never played with that flock, never played in that jersey of red and pink and white.

Kurt is often lost, but this was the first time nie had been lost in nir own mind.

⥸

Kurt left the Base and smelt the ocean. Everything seemed just a little clearer, when nie was out. There's someone on second, someone who reminded her of someone else, someone she couldn't quite remember. There was also another demon on at the plate. Nie waved to them, and they cautiously waved back.

Flyout. They ran, stole third. This could be Home, maybe, he thought.

The Captain took the plate. Their Captain? They readied up and hit a beautiful double.

Kurt was Home, then, along with the person who reminded him of someone. The person turned to them.

"You're Kurt Crueller," said Theo King. And oh, that's who he reminded nir of. Maybe. A different King, similar but different, on their former team. They both had kind eyes.

Kurt nodded heavily. "I am, yea," nie said, out of breath. It was getting harder to move. They could hear something... calling them.

"You've been missing for like, six years."

"...Huh," Kurt said, "It didn't feel like that long. But at the same time, it felt longer."

Theo King was looking around frantically. "Do you think you'll be alright?" he asked. "You're fading."

"Oh, don't worry about me," Kurt snorted. "I'll find my way back, eventually. I just have to get lost, first."

The Base held them to similar rules as to when they were in Chicago, except now they weren't beholden to just the Base.

They were Shadowed.

They had heard... their old teammate, someone like and unlike them, talk about the Shadows. That's where she was from, between her life Before and active play. But that was in Yellowstone... the Shadows in San Francisco were much different.

For one thing, time worked. Mostly.

There were also a lot of birds in the Shadows of San Francisco.

Like. A lot. So many birds. Two players and almost two hundred fowl balls worth.

It felt homey.

The Shadows slowly pulled the bonds the Base had put on nir off, but couldn't get everything. She was still tethered to the Base, bound around San Francisco- or whatever away game the Lovers were playing, as long as it had a Base. He didn't like away games that much-- since he was bonded to the San Francisco Shadows specifically, they couldn't help him much while he was away. But when she was in the City, she could move almost freely. There weren't the familiar and occult rules of Yellowstone, or the walls of snark hiding Charleston, or even the spirits of Chicago and her waters. Nie could leave the city, as long as the Shadows knew nie was coming back, and go fishing.

It had been so long since they had been fishing, as a pastime and not for sustenance.

Nie mostly fished from the piers. He wasn't sure if the boat charter places would let a Shadows player ride. She had enough trouble just trying to fill out the paperwork for a fishing license, until either the Shadows or one of her teammates took pity on her and got her a forged license. They still didn't know who did that, but had left a thank-you note in the same spot.

She didn't watch games, much, except when the Base decided she had to. The Game was never an interest to them in their time Before. Nie just wanted to live nir life, and catch some fish.

When Season 19 rolled around, Kurt was fidgety. There was something in the air. The rest of the Shadowed players didn't get it, at least not until games started. Everything was backwards, unbalanced. Kurt couldn't watch games without pacing.

Their patience lasted almost through Day 2. At the top of the eighth, nie grabbed nir bat and called on that part of nir being that had been hollowed out all those years ago. At the bottom of the eighth, he took a deep breath and stepped through the Base.

Foxy Pebble hit a single, Kurt ran to third.

Helga M hit, ran. Foxy out. Fielder's choice. It doesn't matter. Kurt scored. He's Home, home again.

Theo King spots her from his spot in the dugout. He waves, and they grin and wave back before disappearing into the Shadows, again.

Kurt was laughing as she collapsed onto one of the Shadows' many beanbags. As soon as they landed, they were immediately surrounded by birds.

"Uhm! Hi!" said a voice. Kurt looked over at the source. There was someone else curled up on one of the beanbags, who was also surrounded by birds. He was reading a book, or had been until he got distracted. There was a huge crow on a branch that was sticking out of his head.

"Hi?" Kurt had no idea who this was.

The person seemed to understand that. "I'm Milo Brown, Shadows captain," he said with a wave. He had set down the book, pages down to keep his place.

Ah. "I'm Kurt Crueller," they responded, "I fish." Because that's who nie really was, without the Game.

"Oh, you're the person Theo was talking about!" Milo says, peppily.

That was unexpected. "Theo King? He talks about me?" They had had like, half a conversation.

"I mean, not often, but yeah!" Milo said, "Not everyday you make it to home at the same time as someone who's been missing for half a decade."

"I guess so," Kurt said, still smiling.

The next time the Base made Kurt get out and play, the Lovers were playing in the Choux. Kurt got out of the Base and froze. Helga M, at the plate, also froze. Luckily (maybe), this resulted in enough balls to draw a walk, and she went to first. From there, she waved at Kurt until nie was looking at her, then signed at nir.

"What?"

Kurt drooped but didn't untense. "Here was the first," they signed back.

Helga considered that for a moment, then signed, "Game's almost over."

"Good," Kurt signed in a single harsh movement.

And it was. Two more outs, Theo ending the game right as he stepped up to plate. He headed right up to her after congratulating the Thieves.

As soon as he got to them, he asked "Are you alright?"

"Yea, I'm fine," Kurt said, lying. Theo gave him a look. "Alright I'm not fine. I will be though. I just need a few minutes," she tried. Nie would need more than a few minutes.

"Kurt," Theo started, but Kurt cut him off.

"I've gotta go back. I don't know where I'll be, but... I'll be back eventually."

"You just have to get lost, first?" Theo gave nir a resigned smile. "Talk to Milo about this, when you see him."

"Sure," Kurt said, disappearing.

"He's not going to talk to Milo, is he," Theo said to himself. He turned around to rejoin his team, and waved off any questions about Kurt. He didn't know how to answer.

⤭

The Siesta after season 19, Milo says that Kurt is back around the Shadows, but still hasn't talked to him about what happened in the Choux.

So Theo hires a fishing charter, and drags Kurt along. Not that she needed much dragging.

"You know, I've never actually been on a charter before," Theo said.

"Really? I haven't either, but I've never lived on the ocean before. Haven't you lived here a while?" Kurt asked.

Theo laughed. "My whole life," he said. "I've been a bit busy, and never really had an interest in fishing."

"That's fair, I suppose. Not everyone knows the joys of fishing."

"Next time I can take you to one of my shows, maybe."

"Sounds like a fun time." Kurt smiled as he prepared his gear.

Theo looked over at nir. "Do you need any help?"

"Nah," Kurt said, "Just keep me company."

They were quiet for a time, except for the sound of Kurt pulling in their catches.

"So," Theo started, and Kurt grimaced. "No, you could have talked about this with Milo, but you didn't. What was up with that game in the Choux?"

Kurt sighed. "Being- the Base-" He stopped. Tried to collect their thoughts enough for them to make sense when they didn't even make sense to themself.

"Take your time," Theo said.

There was another silence, for a time. Kurt started taking nir gear out of the water.

They were both looking out over the sea when suddenly, Kurt asked, "Have you ever been Elsewhere?"

"Yeah," Theo said quietly, "Just once. It was bad, though."

"I haven't," Kurt sighed, "But Oz, a former teammate, it went a lot. It told me about what it was like, sometimes. How it affected the mind. I think, the Base - not the physical part that you lot interact with, but the actual... the... the part that is eyes and keeps eyes off. That part of the Base is like, somewhere between Elsewhere and the Shadows, but upside down and backwards. It's soul draining, it makes you forget. Being back in the Choux, after... That was the first place I was, after I left Yellowstone. I didn't even realize it at the time, I just froze." Kurt closed his eyes. "I still can't remember what the Magic were like when I joined. I don't know if that's a thing that happens normally, or if it was just because I spent so long lost. I should talk to... someone who was Elsewhere and Shadowed at once, maybe. But I can't remember if there's anyone like that, or if they would talk to me," he finished.

"Knight," said Theo. Kurt looked at him and made a little considering noise. "Our captain- former captain. They were Elsewhere and in the Atlantis Shadows at the same time, a few years ago. They're in Dallas right now."

"Dallas, huh. Steaks?"

Theo looked at Kurt consideringly. "Yeah, Steaks. You don't usually pay attention to the splort. Do you have an attachment there or something?"

"Kind of. Maybe. Or I used to, I think," Kurt said. "Gallup - the original Gallup - might be my mom. But she's not there anymore, and the new Gallup... isn't, even if the first one was. Or wasn't. I don't know, it came up when I was talking to the..." Kurt trailed off. "Hewitt Best. I was talking to them and their roommate, their roommate used to be on the Steaks."

"Oh, honey," Theo said, and that was when Kurt started crying.

"No, no, I barely knew them. We had a conversation like, once. I didn't even..." Didn't even see him die.

Somehow, that thought made them cry even harder.

A particularly tall swell rocked the boat, not hard but enough to feel intentional, and Kurt blew a ragged breath out. "Yeah. Thanks. I don't know why that was what got to me, out of everything." Nie leaned against Theo's side. "I don't think. I don't think I can go to Dallas."

"That's fine. Knight should come visit at some point this Siesta, probably a few times a year? You can talk when you're ready."

"Alright."

"I do have a question, though," Theo started. At Kurt's nod, he asked, "Who were you talking to, when you said thanks?"

Kurt startled for a moment, then smiled. A small smile, but genuinely happy. "I was just talking to the Ocean." Theo nodded in return, like that was all he needed. And it was.

They went home, after that.

Knight Triumphant came to visit a week later. Kurt introduced nirself, but didn't bring up what it was nie really wanted to ask. He thought Knight could probably tell, but was being polite about it.

When they came again a few months later though, Kurt found them alone, at one point. Probably Milo's doing. Nie had mentioned what nie was going to ask Knight, and nie wouldn't put it past him to set up a situation where Talking Would Happen.

"Hello, Ser Knight," Kurt greeted.

"Good day, Ser Kurt," Knight responded. They looked relaxed, and there were a few birds surrounding them. Actually, on closer inspection, that was Gita. "Gita, do you mind? Kurt and I need to have a discussion." Gita gave a squawk, and flew off. Kurt watched one go.

"So," Kurt started, sitting down on a beanbag vaguely across but not facing Knight. "This is probably going to be personal."

"Yes," Knight said, "Milo has said as much. He did not say what, exactly, the topic was, but I could guess. I would not like to."

Kurt nodded. "Theo said you were Shadowed while Elsewhere, once."

"Ah, yes. A miserable experience, and one I do not care to repeat."

"Were you... Did you lose any memories, when that happened?"

If Knight thought that was an odd question, they didn't show it. "Hm. No, I don't believe so. The Shadows have been loosing their hold on memory for quite some time, and only affected those outside them in the first place. Elsewhere does not affect memory in the least. Everything is remembered, just feels removed." Kurt sagged into their beanbag with a groan. "I assume this is about something else?"

"Yea," Kurt said, "The Base. I thought it was kind of like, a mix of Elsewhere and the Shadows. Based on Oz's description of Elsewhere anyway. I've never been."

"Oz?"

"Oscar Dollie. Former teammate. It's on the Magic, it... it's the only one I can remember with any clarity."

"Hmm." Knight settled, a little. It was nice to have another spirit so close, even if they were different sorts. Kurt could only hope that Knight felt the same. "You lack the memories you had of your former team. This is your main issue?"

"Yea. I can sometimes tell some things, if something is similar enough. But on the whole, I can't remember."

"Will you exercise a thought?" Knight asked.

Kurt shrugged. "Wouldn't hurt."

"Do you remember more, or less, than when you first joined our - the Lovers' - Shadows?"

Kurt brightened a bit. "More? I think."

Knight gave a pleased thrum, and Kurt returned it. "Then, you should be well. Rest, and maybe watch a few Magic games. Though the team looks different than when you were on it.

Kurt paused for a moment, then said quietly, "Thank you, Knight."

"Anytime, dear Kurt."

⥼

Kurt didn't usually pay attention to the postseason. Sure, they kept tabs on both the Lovers and Magic during the season 19 postseason, but that was mostly to get to know/remember their teams. And nie stopped paying attention once the Magic were knocked out.

But Season 20 was interesting.

For one thing, it was upside down. For another thing, the Lovers seemed to actually be making it?

Kurt nudged Milo from where they were sitting together. "Is this a good thing?" she asked. Milo just shrugged. It probably was, considering the Lovers were under-crowned the Underchampions. The Magic were probably chattering about balance.

Elections were always hectic, but slightly better in the Shadows. The Lovers didn't have a direct line to the Fans in the same way that the Magic did, which made elections both more and less hectic. There were no expectations, so there weren't any plans, but if things didn't go as expected there were no plans to overturn.

Kurt kind of wished there was a plan, even though it likely wouldn't have helped. Tot Fox busted into the Shadows, yapping something about birds, so Kurt showed her to where the birdhouses were kept. Nie figured it was a Move will. The sting in his arms was probably from an Infuse, or maybe a blessing - there were a few blessings that would affect Shadows players, right? But then they tripped.

When she landed, she was not below the birdhouses with Tot Fox, but in a Commons area she had never seen before.

Theo, unsurprisingly, was the first to react. "Kurt!"

"Yea?" Kurt grunted from where he lay, flat on his face.

"Welcome to active play," a cool voice said. When Kurt finally looked up, Percival Wheeler was looking at her.

Kurt gave her a smile and stood up. "Glad to finally, finally be here."